Article

Strategies for Successful Working Relationships with Family and Friends

The upsides of working with family and friends include knowing who you're working with. Family and friends know our strengths and weaknesses. In many cases, we are able to speak more candidly to those with whom we have close relationships.

"It's wonderful to have family and friends around when things are going well and everyone is happy, and if things go poorly around you it's great and instant support," says Monica Downen, who co-owns and operates Monica's Waterfront Bakery & Café with her husband in Silverdale, Washington. "It can be fun and bring everyone closer together."

Many independent restaurants are family-owned, with other close relations joining the team. On its face, it all sounds very kumbaya. Indeed, friends and family teams can be a great advantage for independent operators when there is mutual respect and trust. On the other hand, it can create workplace dynamics that are emotional and even dysfunctional if boundaries aren't respected and trust is lacking. Here are some words of encouragement and caution from operators who have experienced both the upside and downside.

Over the 16 years that she and Mark have operated Monica's, they have had her parents, a nephew, and the offspring of close family friends on the team. "When the mood is tense or you aren't getting along for any reason, it can be extra stressful," Downen adds. "It can be complicated if you don't want non-familial employees to resent family/friends (or the boss for hiring them), or be seen as overlooking negative aspects of their performance or over-rewarding positive ones for family members."

The tricky part comes when navigating family drama or stress, says Downen. "If something happens that affects the whole family, such as a death or a wedding, you can all be more deeply affected at the same time. If you are arguing or coming from different points of view, everyone else knows it, no matter if you try to hide it. If you want or need to fire a friend or family member, it can be traumatic."

Downen calls it a "constant learning journey" when working with a spouse. Agreed-upon duties, responsibilities, boundaries, and expectations provide the foundation for a successful partnership at work. "The keystones are trust and flexibility; you must trust one another and your- selves to 'stay in your lane', recognize that both your business and/or your relationship may evolve, and continue to grow and do better."

When disagreements arise – and they will, she says – they will happen in full view of the other team members. "Just like in parenting, you can't keep them a secret," Downen says, "so be transparent, and model the most positive conflict resolution possible. It's not easy and requires courage along with personal restraint."

The bottom line, Downen concludes: "When the going gets tough, I want my husband and family by my side, always."

"Loyalty and trustworthiness" are invaluable, says Mark Bires of MomNPop Hospitality in Chicago, Illinois, which operates three restaurants: Jerry's Sandwiches, Geraldine's, and Fiya. "However, working together can affect family relations."

Managing family and friends "all depends upon the family member and the significance of the job," Bires finds. If it is an entry-level position and temporary, like summer help, it is "usually just fine. Ideally, the family member should not report to you, but to one of the managers; then you can just instruct them to treat them like anyone else." This almost always works well, he says, assuming the family member, usually a child, is reasonably responsible and pleasant. "Of course, if they start the 'my parent owns this place' stuff, that is more difficult."

The more complex relationship comes with a permanent position. "Here you really have to think through whether the family member can fit in well with, be of benefit to, and a good representative of, the organization," Bires explains. "Ideally you already know because they have worked in the organization before."

Bires has been partners with his wife, a former lawyer, for 20 years, although he predated her in the organization by two decades. "This is very dicey. We have, of course, had our ups and downs, but it worked because we have both matured in our work relationship, and we have kept some semblance of a division of labor – me in the back of the house, her in the front."

Candid Conversations

Denon Moore, the founder and CEO of Urban Cookie in Denver, Colorado, who works alongside her husband and two sons, has found that working with immediate family makes it easier to have tough conversations and work problems out. "It seems like the feedback loop is a full circle. When family works with you, they are invested 110%, and will pick you up on the lows and celebrate with you on the highs."

The downside? "Sometimes you cannot turn off the shop talk. We have to remind ourselves to turn off work when we are at home together," Moore says. As half of a husband-and-wife team, she finds it necessary to "live intentionally, so we don't feel like business partners. We're constantly finding ways to leave work at work and put fun activities into our off time."

In the past, Moore recalls, she had hired distant relations and found the situation "very hard" to manage. "Their level of investment wasn't quite as much as the immediate family." Common problems included a lack of interest, the expectation of getting the best schedule or special privileges, a heightened sense of entitlement, and an excuse for not working hard because they were related to the owner.

Moore calls it "great" working with her sons. "It means we interact as professionals, and they help grow a business with their ideas and draw on their experiences. We can all put our heads together and come up with the best solutions for our business, and also trust we can give feedback when an idea needs to die." Working with her husband is also "great," she adds, "but we've drawn clear boundaries with work roles. Previously we owned and operated a business together where we hadn't determined distinct roles or titles, which created lots of second-guessing each other and con- fusion for the team."

Restaurateurs who plan to hire family or friends should design a plan and outline roles and responsibilities before onboarding, Moore advises, and be sure everyone agrees with the plan. "It's vital for your friends or family to know what level of responsibility and decision-making they will have early on."

Also, be sure to emphasize your role and your relationship with them regarding their position with the company. "If you plan to bring a family member or friend on as a business partner, treat this as a legal partnership. Hire an attorney and draft the necessary partnership agreements. Handshakes are hard to prove in a legal setting."

Pure Trust

"We honestly get to say there are lots of pluses for us," insists Mariam El Haj, the owner with her sister, Angela, of Mexican eatery Calaca Mamas Cantina in Anaheim, California. "We've spoken to a lot of people for whom that isn't the case, but for us it is." One "huge plus" of working together with her sister is "pure trust. We trust each other wholeheartedly and know that with every single decision we make – whether the other agrees with it or not – we do it genuinely thinking it's the best thing for us, not just one."

Restaurateurs who plan to hire family or friends should design a plan and outline roles and responsibilities before onboarding, Moore advises, and be sure everyone agrees with the plan. "It's vital for your friends or family to know what level of responsibility and decision-making they will have early on."

Honesty is another major positive, says El Haj. "We know we can be 100% honest with each other and still love and respect each other." Yet another advantage is being able to "truly understand" each other and where each is coming from, "and maybe that's because we are sisters and obviously have the same upbringing. Having each other's back is another plus for us. No matter how we feel about a topic or how much we disagree, we will never allow another person to belittle the other behind the other's back."

El Haj finds that work unavoidably tends to "pretty much take over" family vacations or dinners. "We would say another big negative of having friends work for you is not being able to separate private life and work life. In the end, if work life doesn't pan out, you could lose a friendship, which sucks."

El Haj calls that "a super fine line" to walk "because if you are their boss and also their friend, sometimes it's hard to discipline them or hold them to the same standard you would if they were simply an employee."

Immediate Connection

On the upside, there are several positives to working with friends and family, according to Kevin R. Roberts a faculty member and interim chair of hospitality management at Kansas State University, "You have the immediate connection with them from the moment they start, which helps to improve communication. You have a better sense of their strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, and you work with people you trust."

"People you trust working with you can be an advantage," says Claire Stewart, a professor at The City University of New York in Brooklyn, New York. "Their objectives will align with yours, and you can be assured they want you and your business to succeed."

Emily Demarchelier, the owner of 44-year-old family-owned-and-operated Demarchelier Bistro in Greenport, New York, whose menu expresses "the soul of authentic French bistro fair," agrees with the academics that trust is the main benefit of working with family and friends. "It's easy because it's family and their goals are the same. If you butt heads, you don't stay mad, you easily move on. But it's hard because feelings get hurt sometimes."

Indeed, trust comes more easily "because there was an established chemistry before coming into work," says Duy "Ronnie" Nguyen, a principal of Roostar Vietnamese Grill, a trio of restaurants in Houston, Texas, specializing in banh mi. Other positives include the favorable marketing and branding message that a family operation embodies; the fact that it is easier to convey and articulate the big picture; and time spent outside of work "can almost be like team-building time."

Scott Plowman, President of Parkway Grill Inc. in Wichita Falls, Texas, agrees that the best part of working with family is the trust factor. "Most won't rob you blind." The worst part is disciplining them if they are late "or not doing the job right."

"For me, it's that we know what we expect of one another, and we know exactly what strings to pull and what buttons to press to get the most out of each other," says Dan Whalen at Harbor Bay Hospitality in Cleveland, Ohio, which operates three restaurant concepts. "For my brother and I, there's definitely mutual respect, while also knowing that expectations are high – we are going to challenge one another, and we are going to, at times, disagree."

Having spent 30 years together, Whalen continues, he and his brother "know how to navigate that. At the same time, when we need to duke it out over something, which is inevitably going to happen, we know we need to do that privately outside the view of our team."

Whalen calls it "really rewarding" to see his younger brother, who serves as executive chef, in a leadership role, "succeeding not only in putting his food out into the world, but seeing a team that relies on him and trusts him to show them the way. It's fun to watch, and there's a lot of pride in that for me."

On the Other Hand…

The take-home point here should be clear. If you have a trusting relationship with friends and family members, the advantages can be tremendous. If you don't have trust in them – or lose trust – the upside not only dissipates, but you can be worse off than hiring strangers. Firing family is never easy, and the bad feelings can go on for years.

Theresa Adams, who with her husband Mike purchased the Kountry Kitchen, a 63-year-old breakfast concept in 2010, avoids working with family and friends, if possible. She contends there are "not many" pluses, and calls it "a good way to lose friends and alienate family." Issues with family or friends "tend to harm relationships," she notes, "and other employees tend to regard them as getting special treatment. We try not to allow it."

Adams, in charge of daily operations while Mike handles business and marketing, says that she and her husband have found it difficult to manage those with whom they have personal relationships. "Yes, it is hard. We stay away from family, friends, etc." Having both on hand may be 'fun,'" she adds, "but it is just asking for trouble," she cautions.

"The moment a manager is upset, they have to walk on egg shells because you have a relationship with them – not a good thing. We just try and stay away from it after getting burned too many times." Her advice? "Don't do it. Explain that their relationship is too important to risk messing it up."

Whalen stresses the importance of respecting boundaries. "When you know someone's triggers, and when stress is high or things are a bit chaotic, it's easy to overstep because you know they are your sibling." Emotions will inevitably run high and everyone may be passionate, but as long as that line is drawn about being professional when things are work-related, the negative aspects "hopefully can be mitigated or eliminated altogether."

Wielding authority over close relationships can also prove a challenge. "It is harder to hold family members accountable to their responsibilities, which can cause conflict and stress – especially if the family member has a different perspective of how they are performing than the higher-up thinks," suggests Shanny Covey, owner and general manager of Robin's Restaurant in Cambria, California and both Novo Restaurant & Lounge and Luna Red in San Luis Obispo. "There can be more drama involved when a family member needs to be released from his or her position, and possible broken relationships if they take correction or dismissal personally."

"A negative for me is, if there is an issue with work, that same energy comes home with you, and vice versa," says Robyn Bordes who co-owns Constantino's Pizza and Ice Cream of Greenwich, Connecticut. "If the vision isn't clear of what and how you want your business conveyed, then yes, I imagine it would be hard to manage family in a work environment," says Bordes. She feels that while the best part of working in a family business is what she terms the trust factor, "the worst part is bringing work issues home, or home issues to work." She urges restaurateurs working with friends or family to be clear about how much the business means to them and what they have invested "so there is a level of respect and expectation to conduct themselves accordingly."

Whalen says management of family and friends is very much an individual matter, and that friends are harder to manage than family. In fact, he tries not to bring friends into working relationships whenever possible. "The way I communicate as a manager and leader of a company is far different than the way I speak to my friends. They may not be used to that or ready for it." If expectations are not set by both parties "and super clear, then feelings can get hurt if someone feels that the agreement or business relationship isn't being lived up to."

Relationship Management

Managing people effectively is difficult for many even in the best of circumstances. It takes what College of Technology's Stewart calls a "particularly deft" manager to navigate an environment that has this extra layer of complexity. Much depends on the relationships already established prior to the working affiliation.

Stewart suggests it may be difficult to "act like a boss" if you already have a relationship that places you in the role of a peer rather than that of an employer. "It will be especially difficult to fire a friend or family member, and it is possible they could take advantage of you as well, knowing you are not comfortable in the role of employer."

Managing family and friends needn't be hard, Roostar's Nguyen says, if the operator adheres to "an equal approach for all." There must be the same accountability for family and friends that one would expect from the rest of the employees. "Be strict. Clear. Tough. Constantly and consistently plan ahead. Set tone, set vision. Help build their dreams and they will help build yours. Give them sweat and tears and they will give it back to you. Pay them first, you last. Deposit into their financial and emotional bank accounts to make them happy. Their dreams and goals should be yours, too."

Being clear and direct about expectations and accountability, guiding friends and family according to the same set of rules that apply to other employees and partners, and focusing on having emotional intelligence can help make the situation work. "The last part is easier said than done," Harbor Bay's Whalen laments, "but studying that, having self-awareness, and using it in the way you approach communication will really lead to fewer problems overall."

At the time of hire, or when a partnership is established, clear guidelines should be established "This is not the time to make handshake deals either," says Stewart, who worked with friends while running a catering business. "Agreements should be written down and terms and conditions followed. Doing this can avoid problems in the future."

Avoiding the situation altogether is another possible management decision. It may be far easier to keep friendships separate unless a situation and a skillset demands that a friend be brought in, Whalen notes. "The same could be true for family, but in this case, my brother and I talked about working together for many years before doing it, so there isn't much gray area there for us."

But for those restaurant operators who choose to take up the challenge, the potential rewards are high, and the stakes great. "There has to be mutual respect and understanding and a true commitment to float or sink as a team," Calaca Mamas Cantina's El Haj concludes. "Because at the end of it all, we family, and are stuck together forever."

CASE IN POINT

How One Family Pulled Together to Create a Restaurant Success Story

In 2003, long-time RestaurantOwner.com member Misty Young and her husband Gary, used the balance of their savings and cashed in their retirement accounts to purchase the Squeeze In, a 45-seat breakfast café in Truckee, CA. With no restaurant experience, they put it all, and then some, on the line.

MIDDLE GOUND

Navigating your own family's drama in a business can be tricky enough without getting in the middle of another family. Hiring siblings, spouses, children and significant others might seem like a neat package deal. But common sense and experience warn us of the perils. Everything is OK until it is not.

If you have to discipline one member of the family, it can sour the relationship with the other, even if they are star players. Other problems can occur if a manager supervises a family member and other employees perceive favoritism in shift assignments and payroll. In fact, many companies do not permit this due to the potential conflict of interest. You would be ad- vised to follow suit.

And people are people. Blood relatives and significant others have arguments, disagreements and breakups. They get jealous. You don't want their relationship problems spilling over into your workplace.

If you decide to hire family or close relations in your business, the safest bet is to have them working in separate areas of the business. For example, one working as a hostess and the other in the kitchen. If an employee's family or close relation applies for a job, be candid about your concerns in the interview and seek assurance that it won't create the aforementioned problems. Present clear expectations of expected behavior during the hiring process so they understand they could be subject to termination if the relationship becomes disruptive.